Grace for the Person in the Mirror

The first weekend in March, hundreds gathered for the visitation and funeral of a prominent local doctor. On Monday, the family returned to pay last respects. Part of my outreach work is preparing the chapels for services, and that morning I was vacuuming the main room. I had not noticed the doctor’s closed casket still at the front, and I completely lost track of time.

Then the doors opened. The family walked in with two funeral directors behind them. There I was, vacuum humming between the pews. I stopped immediately, lay the vacuum on the floor, realized that looked even worse, grabbed it again and hurried out while apologizing to the directors. I was mortified. I hoped had not upset the family or embarrassed the director. If they were bothered, they didn’t tell me.

But the scene didn’t pass for me.

I kept thinking about the directors--how hard they work to serve the families with dignity. Had I made their job harder? Had I damaged my own reputation? Everyone else moved on, though, but I found myself replaying the scene repeatedly.

We all do this, don’t we? We put ourselves on trial in our minds over small mistakes that make us feel like a criminal? An unintentional infraction of the law? A misunderstood comment? An awkward interaction? Things we wish you could do differently? Things others forget quickly, but we hold onto tightly. The noise that lingers is the self-talk that refuses to let go. A lot of times our missteps are not anything we have done wrong, at least intentionally. 

When they happen, we need to be reminded of something in Scripture. Before he became an apostle, Paul persecuted the church. He imprisoned believers and consented to their deaths. Yet, he spoke about his past, not because he had not forgiven himself, but out of gratitude for the grace that had redeemed him. (Acts 8:13; 22:3-5; 26:9-11; 1 Corinthians 15:9; Galatians 1:13; Philippians 3:6; 1 Timothy 1:1-16).

If Paul could receive God’s forgiveness and extend it to himself, perhaps we can too. If God is not replaying the moment anymore, maybe we don’t need to either.

Eric Welch